Part II: My Start-up Called "Marriage"

Continuation from Part I...

Maybe we need job descriptions 

On my parent's 40th anniversary, Shobab and I asked them to share advice with us. While in principle, what they shared was helpful, I realized that generationally we are very different, and the same rules may not apply.

My parents had very distinct and specific roles in our family. My father was an entrepreneur and the provider, my mother raised us 4 kids and ran the house. Not to say that my dad had no part in raising us, he was fully involved, but my mom had the freedom to manage us and the house how she pleased. They worked seamlessly together, and trusted each other's capability in their responsibilities.

For myself however, being in a marriage with a partner who is equally ambitious and equally contributes in and out of the house, responsibilities can become blurred, overlap, and even conflict.

Let's just take our 2.5 year old daughter, Yaelle, as an example:

Between Shobab's home renovation projects and client appointments, he usually manages Yaelle's daytime schedule. He's the morning parent. He prepares her breakfast a specific way, knows who's watching her and their times, knows when she went down for a nap and how long she napped.

When I get home in the evening, it's my time to take over. I have my own evening routine: play with Yelli, cook dinner, play more, get her ready for bed, maybe some last minute work, then QT with Shobab before lights out.

If every day looked like this, I'd say we have it figured out pretty well. But, what happens when the schedule changes? Which it often does.

When I have to fill the role of Yaelle's morning and daytime activities, then Shobab oversteps and starts to micromanage. He pushes what he thinks is best and how he does it.

Well, I'm her MOTHER...so you can imagine how that power struggle might play out.

So recently, we actually wrote down who is in charge of what. From chores around the house to responsibilities in certain situations. It created clearer distinctions, and took away some sense of feeling overwhelmed.

A great company has a great core, what's ours?

At the heart of every great company, you will usually find 3 things: a strong Mission, Vision and Core Values. Usually the most successful companies have the strongest of these 3. And almost every time, it will heavily involve charities and giving-back.

During a few of the exercises at our retreat, we did 2 things that immediately improved the relationships in our team:

1) We went around the room, shared our core values individually, and then defined our core values as a company. I learned that "Art" was at the top of a colleague's list. I had no clue that this person was artistic at all. So what did this change? A lot, I now have an idea of what is important to him and why he may be stronger in some areas and weaker in others.

2) We each came up with 3 commitments and consolidated them to create a sort of leadership covenant. One of these commitments was "Don't gossip and always go directly to the person with your problem". By defining these kinds of practical commitments, we were establishing the proper culture and trust within the team that will affect the rest of our company as we lead.

In the very same way, I should have a clear understanding of Shobab's core values, our marriage's core values, and what exactly our commitments are to each other.

When I'm talking about commitments, I'm not talking about our vows. Who the heck remembers those anyway? Our heads were in the clouds...so everything probably felt do-able.

What I'm talking about are the small, daily commitments.

For example, one of Shobab's core values is building for the future. Everything he does is with a long-term view. I've learned that this is a value that drives him. I've also learned that I can support this value by recognizing what he does and appreciating it.

If I really understand this, then a daily commitment of mine should be something along the lines of, "Express appreciation in 3 things he did". It's a commitment that meets an emotional need for him in a way that will continue to energize something he deeply values.

In relating to a strong mission and vision, I see this as having a clear purpose of something greater. I don't think the end game of a marriage is happiness forever after. Our desire to learn and grow and be better is not just for us in the relationship and the benefit of our daughter.

I believe that our partnership should be used to have a greater positive effect on those around us, in whatever way that may be.

That might mean bringing people into our home for dinner and fellowship on a weekly basis, creating an emotionally and spiritually supportive environment. That might mean making as much money as we can so we continue to have the means to help others. Or it might mean having to figure it out for ourselves, so we have the tools and experience to help other's in their struggles.

Whatever it is, we're still working on that clarity. It comes and goes and it's easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forego all perspective.

In the frustrating times, bringing it back to a vision, the "why" factor, and with a heart of understanding, is what almost 100% of the time breaks us out of our discontent.

While it may seem a little cold to compare work life to marriage, the stages where I'm at in each has helped me adopt and apply principles that are valuable to both.

After getting married, I quickly learned that the married life was not something that came "naturally" to me. 

I thought I would easily transition into a shared life after more than a decade of being a very independent adult. That was also not the case. 

I thought I could rely on my instincts and ability to adapt in order to keep my partner happy and fulfilled. I learned my instincts are usually selfish.

Thankfully, my husband is very understanding, patient (most times), and possesses a wisdom about sacrifice and partnership well beyond his generation. And thankfully, we still have a lot of fun with each other and our foundation of love and faith has only gotten stronger over the years.

Lastly, I've learned that the principles of life are universal. The signs of a healthy life are growth and beauty: from plants, to people, to spirituality, to businesses. What we neglect and starve will decline and decay. What we feed, nurture and cultivate will thrive.

Like my husband loves to say, "The grass ain't always greener, you just gotta water your own."