Another marriage post: 9 years!?

Ok 9 years of marriage. What.

If anyone would have asked me what being married for 9 years would look like, I promise it wouldn’t be this.

Well, for one. Nobody reaallly knows what marriage looks like until you’re in it. And two. I just had no idea what it was, what it meant, or what it could be.

Prior to marriage, I thought, “How hard could it be? I’m super easy-going and we rarely fight about anything.”

Ha.

Marriage has been the most humbling experience. It will find the things I most try to avoid and bring them to light. It has brought me face-to-face with my flaws, insecurities, and areas to improve. I can’t hide nothin' from it, or use excuses like "That's just who I am." 

It has forced me to develop way more self-awareness, take responsibility, and become a better version of myself. For the sake of our marriage and for my own personal growth. BUT, only if I’m willing.

When people say the “right” person brings out your best, I feel 2 ways about it. Of course, they bring out your best, but that seems too easy. The right person also brings out the side that gets triggered by the dumbest things. The side where past traumas and experiences can emerge in destructive ways. Things that, early on in my marriage I wasn’t mature enough to identify, resulting in terrible means of communication.

But I hate conflict, and drama, and bad feelings. And when life is at peace in our home, everything else is easy. The better I am with Shobab, the better I am in all aspects of life. 

For a few months now, I’ve been reflecting on humility and what that means in our marriage. So I asked my new favorite friend, ChatGTP, and its response was exactly how I wanted it to summarize:

“True humility is characterized by active listening, self-awareness, mutual respect, and serving others without expecting anything in return.  It's not about thinking less of oneself, but thinking of oneself less. It promotes positive relationships, and personal growth, and contributes to a more compassionate world.”

Perfectly said. And it can’t be faked. It’s something that has to come from an honest heart. And when shit gets tough and when it really matters, it's the hardest thing.

I experience it in different ways in those times when it really matters.

In some ways, it can be like an acceptance. A really deep, “Ok, I give up, I’m going to stop whatever I think I’m fighting for.” Or it can be by showing the respect to hear him out and resisting all the eye-rolling and over-exaggerated sighs. Or it can be by holding my tongue when I really, really, want to speak my mind and tell him why he's wrong.

Or it’s when, for a moment, I set aside my grievances and look through his lens. When I try to feel what he might be feeling. Then I get it.

That's when humility comes in, and love takes over.

My mother-in-law said something in conversation the other day, she said, “Faith without works is dead”, referencing James 2:13. I’ve always heard that verse in such a religious context. But she said it in a different way. We don’t just “hope” we get better, we have to put the work in to BE better. That could be health, diet, exercise, spiritual growth, or wherever the work needs to go.

The work is necessary. I can't hope to be humble. But put in the work to foster it.

I don’t know what “normal” is in marriage. If normal even is such a thing. I do know that it’s a life journey with changes, seasons, self-reflection, growth, and the commitment to put in the work.

And with Shobab, I get his commitment 100%. His commitment to put in what it takes to get everything we want out of it, and he inspires me to do the same. I love and appreciate him more and more for every year that we get a little older, a little wiser, a little more humbled, and more aware of how we can get in the way of ourselves. Together with God, we have the freedom to create a vibrant and meaningful life however we want that to look for us.

So, that’s 9 years. Still working at it. And very happy with where we’re at and all the seasons to come.