Hey blog, it’s been a while.
So much time has passed, and too many things have happened that it feels intimidating to summarize.
So I won't.
And since relationships are always fun to talk about. I'll write about being married for a little more than 7 years. Because, isn't that supposed to be the hardest year?
They say a good marriage is built on friendship. I scroll through posts and see things like, “I’m so lucky to have married my best friend!”
And every time, I think…”Do people really feel that way?” Then I’ll ask Shobab, “Hey babe, are we best friends?”
And we’ll probably laugh about it, take a few light-hearted jabs, and then agree that of course we are because who else do we talk to this much.
Finding a "friendship first" wasn't on my mind when I was in the market for a partner. I was 30. I already had really great friends. I wanted a companion. Someone outside of the "friend" category. Actually, it was a mutual friend who set us up.
On our first date, I saw something more than a friend. I saw someone who only saw me. Maybe because I was not at all what he expected, so he was partially surprised. But he made me feel like I was the only person that mattered.
Shobab was decisive and intentional. I was a bird looking for a cage. In a good way. His structure gave me boundaries. I became more focused and driven, especially in my career. Less flighty.
We got married within 8 months. It was fast for sure, but it felt right and we were eager to start building our lives together.
When I think of a best friend, I think of an easy friendship. You go on different paths, you come together. You support decisions you don’t agree with. Time can pass, you pick up where you left off and it is hasn’t changed.
But this "marriage" relationship requires a different level of attention and love, and work than any friend I've had.
Of course we have our easy times and our fun times, but those times happen because of the work that goes into it, so that we can remain those things.
Every relationship is different. Some really do have the best friendship kind of marriage. It’s beautiful to me to see any relationship that works. What works for us certainly may not work for others. And what works for us now is constantly adjusted and reworked.
The idea is that we figure it out, and we keep figuring it out. Not let the perception of how we think our marriage should look at this point or how it measures to others detour us.
It’s easy to compare our lives because it appears “they’ve” got it together. We have expectations and then fight against ourselves, or each other, when it’s not playing out how we imagined.
The ins and outs of any partnership are so intimate, we only show what we want to show. It’s good to have "couple" role-models we look up to and learn from, but at the same time build it for how it works for our own relationship and personality dynamics.
Shobab and I both have dominant personalities. We both want to be in control. Not to control the other, but to control the outcome. And our ways of getting there are very different. We are practically opposite.
(Here's the personality test we took that gave us more insight into each other: www.16personalities.com)
I've been told that I treat our disagreements like a work meeting. I set an agenda, goals, expectations, and the steps to get there. I reduce most emotional needs to "tasks".
Shobab is a deeply feeling person and needs the "heart" to be addressed first before anything else can happen.
I can understand logistical complexities, I’m not so good at emotional complexities. While I know it's something I can develop, it doesn't come naturally to me.
And so it's something he's come to understand. It’s not that I’m inconsiderate, or un-feeling, I actually may not be able to get to the depth he’s at. Simultaneously, I feel a little relief knowing that about myself instead of thinking something's wrong with me.
But if our differences aren't understood, so much miscommunication can happen. Intentions are misconstrued, and that's often when resentment can bubble. And resentment is the worst.
It's something I don't ever want to build up in our relationship. That's actually one of the biggest things I work, and pray, against. It can happen so subtly and be so damaging if left unchecked or unforgiven.
So while both of us may have dominant personalities, he does a good job of making me appear, or feel, like I’m in charge. Especially in front of friends and family. With his easy laugh and pleasant responses to my outspoken and sarcastic remarks.
But don’t let those light eyes fool you, at the end of the day he calls the shots. And I say that in the most respectable way. He bears the responsibility of our entire family, he leads the household. From finances to life insurance, garbage day to roof repairs. He inherently assumes a burden I would never want.
I have plenty of responsibilities, but I rarely feel the weight. I live care-free knowing he’ll always take care of us, he'll always provide, no matter what.
I know that’s a privilege not many have. And I am so grateful.
Shobab is, of course, everything a best friend should be. But calling him a best friend doesn’t seem to carry the same kind of weight of how I feel about him and who he is to me.
We’re still learning, and that’s the beauty of it. I feel secure, supported, and capable to do just about anything we aim for when we're doing it together.
And so, after 7 years, I have more hope and more faith in a lasting, loving, marriage. One that isn't full of unresolved issues and built-up frustration.
When I think of a best friend, I think of an easy friendship. You go on different paths, you come together. You support decisions you don’t agree with. Time can pass, you pick up where you left off and it is hasn’t changed.
But this "marriage" relationship requires a different level of attention and love, and work than any friend I've had.
Of course we have our easy times and our fun times, but those times happen because of the work that goes into it, so that we can remain those things.
Every relationship is different. Some really do have the best friendship kind of marriage. It’s beautiful to me to see any relationship that works. What works for us certainly may not work for others. And what works for us now is constantly adjusted and reworked.
The idea is that we figure it out, and we keep figuring it out. Not let the perception of how we think our marriage should look at this point or how it measures to others detour us.
It’s easy to compare our lives because it appears “they’ve” got it together. We have expectations and then fight against ourselves, or each other, when it’s not playing out how we imagined.
The ins and outs of any partnership are so intimate, we only show what we want to show. It’s good to have "couple" role-models we look up to and learn from, but at the same time build it for how it works for our own relationship and personality dynamics.
Shobab and I both have dominant personalities. We both want to be in control. Not to control the other, but to control the outcome. And our ways of getting there are very different. We are practically opposite.
(Here's the personality test we took that gave us more insight into each other: www.16personalities.com)
I've been told that I treat our disagreements like a work meeting. I set an agenda, goals, expectations, and the steps to get there. I reduce most emotional needs to "tasks".
Shobab is a deeply feeling person and needs the "heart" to be addressed first before anything else can happen.
I can understand logistical complexities, I’m not so good at emotional complexities. While I know it's something I can develop, it doesn't come naturally to me.
And so it's something he's come to understand. It’s not that I’m inconsiderate, or un-feeling, I actually may not be able to get to the depth he’s at. Simultaneously, I feel a little relief knowing that about myself instead of thinking something's wrong with me.
But if our differences aren't understood, so much miscommunication can happen. Intentions are misconstrued, and that's often when resentment can bubble. And resentment is the worst.
It's something I don't ever want to build up in our relationship. That's actually one of the biggest things I work, and pray, against. It can happen so subtly and be so damaging if left unchecked or unforgiven.
So while both of us may have dominant personalities, he does a good job of making me appear, or feel, like I’m in charge. Especially in front of friends and family. With his easy laugh and pleasant responses to my outspoken and sarcastic remarks.
But don’t let those light eyes fool you, at the end of the day he calls the shots. And I say that in the most respectable way. He bears the responsibility of our entire family, he leads the household. From finances to life insurance, garbage day to roof repairs. He inherently assumes a burden I would never want.
I have plenty of responsibilities, but I rarely feel the weight. I live care-free knowing he’ll always take care of us, he'll always provide, no matter what.
I know that’s a privilege not many have. And I am so grateful.
Shobab is, of course, everything a best friend should be. But calling him a best friend doesn’t seem to carry the same kind of weight of how I feel about him and who he is to me.
We’re still learning, and that’s the beauty of it. I feel secure, supported, and capable to do just about anything we aim for when we're doing it together.
And so, after 7 years, I have more hope and more faith in a lasting, loving, marriage. One that isn't full of unresolved issues and built-up frustration.
God has proven to be faithful in our commitment over and over again, especially when we feel the most inadequate. I see how love does cover and heal and all those good things that are read in that one verse we hear at weddings.
Change is inevitable, we don’t know what 2022 will bring, what we’ll face, or how this new baby will switch things up. But I feel confident that we’ll continue to use every challenge as an opportunity for growth.
Change is inevitable, we don’t know what 2022 will bring, what we’ll face, or how this new baby will switch things up. But I feel confident that we’ll continue to use every challenge as an opportunity for growth.
I’ll keep you posted….
xoxo
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And an update for other notable things…
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And an update for other notable things…
- Work-wise: At the start of the pandemic I volunteered to be furloughed from work, came back 2 weeks later and promoted to VP.
- I got really into house plants, collected too many, then let just enough die for me to be able to sustain them all.
- I secured major grant funding for a Biochar technology project as part of our zero-waste initiative (a 2-year endeavor so far). Permits from the different agencies have been a nightmare. Can learn more about it here: www.aplustree.com/biochar
- A friend and I started an in-home daycare/school in our downstairs unit. Shobab has gone above and beyond to make the indoor and outdoor space amazing. A venture that began as a means to offset the extreme cost of what we were paying in Zhara and Yaelle's personal schooling...and it turned into this: www.oakknollexplorers.com
- Health-wise: I discovered a non-cancerous tumor on my pituitary gland that was giving me all the symptoms of pregnancy without being pregnant, and making me infertile at the same time. I changed my diet, began exercising regularly, and focused a lot more on my spiritual life. The tumor shrunk within a month and all my blood levels went back to normal....and then I immediately (accidentally) got pregnant!
- We found out we're having a boy. Yaelle named him Xkuka. He’s due in April.
- Zhara is 3, and is still so cute I want to eat her. She zones-in when crafting, can write her alphabet and I'm so proud.
- Yaelle is 6 and started school at Montclair, a top-rated public school, and it was answered prayers she even got in. Her teacher said she is a joy to have in the classroom and comes to school every day 100%, ready to learn and collaborate with other students.
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