When I Realized I was Married

As of today, Shobab and I will have been officially married on paper for 1 year. Since that momentous day, it feels like we’ve been on the fast track of change...moving in together, getting insta-pregs, having our formal wedding, and then of course giving birth to Yaelle. Needless to say, we really haven’t had the time to “settle in”. From my fluctuating hormones, to our differences in domestic habits (him having almost military-like cleanliness and me being much more, well, fraternity-like), it's felt like we’ve squeezed a “normally” progressing relationship's 3-5 years into 12 months. 

4.4.14 @ the Gaskin Family Ranch in Guinda

Going into this whole marriage with Shobab, there has never been a doubt in my mind that I married the right person. From our first date and beyond, it was easy, right, full of love, faith and understanding. Before he met me, he hadn’t thought he would ever meet someone he’d actually want to spend the rest of his life with. I thought that if/when I eventually got married, I’d have to give up on some of the qualities I was looking for in a man and in a relationship (every girl’s infamous “check-list”). Turns out we were both wrong: he eagerly led our relationship into the deep commitment we find ourselves in now, and I got the whole kit and caboodle, my dream guy.

My father married us, his parents signed as the witnesses.

For most of my adolescent and adult life, I heard more about how much work marriage is than anything else. I also come from a family of entrepreneurs. So naturally, my view of marriage seemed more like entering the ground floor of a startup: I'm committing to a vision, with a partner whose decisions I can trust, work well with, while anticipating the responsibly of wearing "multiple hats”.

The problem with this view is that it falls short in the love and kindness that MUST be at the center, marriage isn’t strictly business. And it’s become more and more clear to me only recently, a year into it. I assumed that the love we fell into at the beginning would keep flowing as effortlessly as it had, and the kindness towards each other would remain as we adjusted to our ever-changing family dynamics. Boy, was I wrong.

My older brother once shared some advice with me, “no matter how compatible you are, at some point you will be incompatible.” True statement bro.

So at what point was I enlightened about this new situation of being a wife and someone's other half? At the same time I realized that the more I fought for myself, the more we would fight with each other. There is no more “me” in this, it is ever more “us”: An easy concept to grasp, a seemingly impossible truth for me to practice. For Shobab, it was his perspective as soon as he decided he was going to marry me. He showed it in nearly every action and decision he made, even in the way we argued. 

Not only that, he's been consistent in his romantic effort with flowers, love notes, thoughtful surprises and best of all, a glass of water at my nightstand every night. Whereas, I found myself stuck in the “he better treat me like a queen” self-absorbed attitude that I had adhered to in my single, I'm-an-independent-woman, life. That part of my self I so fiercely built up is becoming more and more irrelevant as I realize how much I need to harmonize my self with him and all of the little things in him antithetical to me. It can be a difference as trivial as how long one thinks it’s ok to leave the milk out. 

I recently read in John 1:5 that, "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." In my experience, this light is the illuminating word of God. This light outshines the darkness in my heart that can stand in the way of peacefully co-existing with my husband. I see the best outcome when I focus my effort not so much in trying to be more patience and more kind (because if I don't have it then I can't fake it), but on broadening this light in my heart.

I don't want marriage to be a commitment I made just to stick it out with another person for the rest of my life, I intend it to remain full of joy, no matter what. I’m learning it takes a soft heart for each other, and in our relationship, a soft heart toward God. Nothing's changed in the way he makes me feel and all the great things about him that I fell in love with in the first place, and I'm sure he would say the same for me, but we are definitely still learning what's it means to be married.

First kiss as Mr. and Mrs. Gaskin

While considering how to conclude this, I asked Shobab, “What does marriage do for you?”

Mid SportsCenter, he answered without hesitation, “It defines me. Settles me in. Gives me a new level of identity. I’m someones husband, I’m someones father. It gives me purpose.” I’m impressed at both the conviction and clarity of his answer. I'm glad one of us knows what's going on ;)

Love you babe, Happy anniversary. Here's to an even better, but hopefully not as eventful 2nd year <3